I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
