dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
