Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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