Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize