i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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