Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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