um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
