anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he told me I talked like a deaf person
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize