Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
