The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
