were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
