The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
