I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Everyone says I win the strip club
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
