Sorry, I don't speak sober.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
