Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
