Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
