I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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