He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
