It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
