don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
