I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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