Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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