if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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