she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
