I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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