Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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