grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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