Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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