what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Randomize
