I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
