A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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