I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
