I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Sacagawea was the original milf.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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