I puked a lego.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
