I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just saw a hot homeless man
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
