i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
