I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
