somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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