my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
