I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
