The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
