A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
