I heard we made out
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She's the barista slut.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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