the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
