You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize