I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
