im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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