My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize