and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
