you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
