Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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