good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
