Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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