i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Its about making memories worth repressing
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
