I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
