Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
