i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize